i'm feeling really bad

I know,and I admit that i'm not a good daughter...but what can I do?I just don't want this...I don't want this life...it's useless...I can't do this anymore.everything's complicated.I hate being a girl.A daughter....I admit i'm lazy....but I'm doing the best I can.yeah.....not the best.OK OK I said I know i'm not a good daughter!!!!!

I hate to hear mother's chorus about me -'doing nothing at all' from morning until I sleep...today I tried to be a good girl.I helped mom to cook lunch,then cleaned the bathroom.Then did a mistake in the evening,just by watching 'Ratatouille' from this lap,cos bro had left it home.it's a funny,humorous cartoon.I think it's my laughter that made father furious.well,couldn't help that.it was so funny!

so... i was held half an hour,told to be sit down infront of him,and while giving advices how sad he feels to see i'm acting like a girl in a boarding place,father made me feel worse by ripping off some curtains to show his anger.As I admit my mistakes,I sat silently.

dazzled yesterday told me about her favourite series-twilight,which she's reading over and over again these days,like Edward in twilight,who planned hundreds of plans how to kill Bella (within just one hour) when he first met her, I planned a dozen methods to kill myself within that half an hour!so depressed I was.Then I remembered the cute top I bought at 'Cool Planet'...mind you,I didn't buy that,thanu gave me money,cos I hadn't money with me that day.I must wear it even once.what a waste if I don't.it's cooooooo...l.and then I remembered my translation.god,still half of it remains untouched.

And there's one disadvantage when you're part of a 'respectable' family.you can't decide about your own life as you wish.How will others say if I suicided?one brother is a doctor,and her eldest brother lives in australia-IT pro,Sister-in-law doing MBA,and baught disgrace to the whole family....so...I thought I might find a proper time and place to finish myself off without making such a fuss...hehe.honestly.one reason for ditching my guy was my family.just one reason ok.Main thing was I realised that I don't love him and neither he.why on earth I talk about him now?hmmm....though I hate that memory I can't forget he was a huge strength to me for almost two years.I don't say my parents wasn't.But...that's quite different.

I can do anything except women's work.I can draw paintings until my fingers are numb.I can write until it runs out of ink in my ink pen.I can read until my eyes are red and watering.But I can't mop,sweep,clean,wash and specially,growing flowers.I bought a cactus from that flower exhibition cos the man at that stall said it only need to be watered once a week!

mom thinks she's gonna wed me to some worthy man one day.poor mommy.she never understood me,and never will.I like babies,to love,to be loved...but I can't.The begining was a mistake.I have to start everything from the begining.this isn't the right place for me.I don't mean the family.everything.from my tips to toes,and from my birth to this moment,this was a mistake.I don't belong to this world.I want to start from the begining

anyway I thought I should behave nice from today on.I'm going to wake up early in the morning.cook the breakfast,clean the whole house and try to be the daughter they want.hmm...I don't want to hurt them.but i don't know.there's something wrong in the system.I feel something missing.you know,thinking about life & world too much isn't good for your health.and that's what i always do.I wish i'm a boy.so I can say goodbye to everything and fly somewhere to find my life...but i'm stuck here.well,daz said results are coming on 15th.hope there would be something to cheer me up,but I dread I've failed all four subjects!!

and.....I don't mind you guys reading my blog,which is actually my diary.I'm sorry if I made your minds buzzing.it's me,poppy.and i'm supposed to be crazy you know :) hehe.don't start giving me more advices cos i'm already having enough.hehe.I know what to do.or rather I think I know what to do.....mmmm.....must sleep.or mmm....what if I watch Ratatouille from where it's interrupted by father?lol.why not eh?anyway.I'm stopping now.bye bye.tc everybody